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| Three years in the book and I didn't need a Yahoo! article to tell me he was the one |
Basing your definition of a successful relationship off a
Buzzfeed article may be entertaining but ask the 50% of married couples who end
up divorced how entertaining it was that their match enjoyed "telling each other things you've never told anyone else.” Yeah, I bet he really enjoyed hearing
about your defaulted loans, that pregnancy scare with an old boyfriend and how
you chew up your cat’s food before each feeding. You just gave him the ammo to
embarrass you on a whole new level.
So below I break down and provide some truth, in my
opinon, to a few ridiculous reasons
you should permanently hitch your wagon to someone else for eternity (folks,
marriage is for life).
- You laugh together: Seriously – do I need to explain why this isn’t an indicator of your soul mate? People who I’ve laughed with: my beef science professor, my doctor, my mailman – my point? Laughing with someone doesn’t mean they automatically become marriage material – your soul mate might be somber while you’re hysterical. Think, people.
- You’re extremely attracted to him/her: Please see above. Don’t let attraction overshadow compatibility. When you’re both 75, wrinkly and saggy, you’ll be thankful for a smart, intelligent partner that you can converse with daily.
- You respect him/her: Shouldn’t you respect pretty much everyone? If so, that doesn’t really set your potential life-partner apart from everyone else.
- You can imagine a future together: This is one is way too often overused as a reason to marry someone. I imagined a future with a few fellas before I met the Ninja and thank God imaginary is as far as it ever got. They were good guys but building a life is different than imagining one.
- Your intuition tells you he’s the right one: Did your intuition tell you that getting a rainbow unicorn tattoo on your neck was a good idea, too? Sometimes our intuition is off - stick to concrete evidence.
- You don’t have to try to impress him/her – You may love sitting on the couch eating Chinese and watching NCIS, but maybe he is only sitting next to you to please you. Will he suffer through that for 50+ years to keep you happy? Or is it more likely that he'll eventually quit because honestly, there are better things to watch and eat than NCIS and Chinese takeout?
I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. Every
marriage and relationship is different, so expecting some article to define
perfection (or the illusion of perfection) is asinine. Ready for some real advice?
- Pray, pray, pray – God has a plan for you and hopefully you’re listening to Him.
- Use your head – I feel like this should be common sense but apparently that isn’t too common.
- Don’t rush into marriage – maybe getting engaged after 6 weeks isn’t such a good idea.
- Pay heed to red flags – does he refuse to clean up after himself? Does that infuriate you to the point of a screaming match? Guess what honey, he’s not going to change those habits. If you don’t like picking up paper plates now, you’re really going to hate it in 40 years. From personal experience: I’m still trying to get the Ninja to stop putting dishes on the counter instead of in the sink (because the sink is clearly where you put dirty dishes) and I’ve made no headway in five+ years. It’s not infuriating but it’s annoying and it likely won’t have changed 47 years from now.
- Pray some more - seriously.
Really want to know if someone is right for you and your
marriage will last? Well, so does everyone else. There’s no 100% guarantee that
it will work out. Marriage is a risk but if you commit to it completely and put
your whole heart and soul into your marriage and keep your faith in the middle,
it will be one of the most rewarding journeys you ever partake in, although
it’s also one of the most difficult.
Yes, you read that right. Marriage is hard, in addition
to being risky. Sure, the wedding planning and the big day are fantastic and
the honeymoon will provide you a lifetime of amazing memories but when you get
home that “what now” feeling will wash over you. The first year you live with
someone is MISERY (in the words of my good friend, Kylee). Weekends can make or break you! In college, when you had roomies,
there was always something going on but now you’re married. What are you going
to do when you have no weekend plans? Are you going to complain and whine about
it and let boredom breed contempt for your partner? Or are you going to go
outside and unload hay, play with the dogs, ride the horses, fix the fence etc
etc. Really want to bond with your partner? Clean a bathroom together after the
pipes have frozen and waste water has backed up into the tub. Team work makes
the dream work, people.
My point is, when you’ve got no big event to plan and
it’s just you and him and your daily activities and conversations, you discover
amazing things about each other and grow deeper and deeper in love. Brad Paisley sums it up very
well.
What do you think? Am I off-base? Does anyone agree with
me? Comment below – shout out!
Until next time,
~ Buzzard ~
p.s. And on a semi-related note – I can’t even address
some of the stupid that is flowing from this
article. DON’T GET MARRIED BECAUSE TWO PAYCHECKS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.
Yes. All of this.
ReplyDeleteWell written.
Thanks, Brooke :) Glad you liked it and hope that you and T are doing well!
DeleteGreat post! Congrats on 3 years as well!
ReplyDeleteThanks Melissa!
DeleteFunny post!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm with him...I HATE HATE HATE dirty dishes in the sink...I want them nicely stacked on the counter. When they are in the sink it makes the sink unusable. I like to have the sink empty and ready to go if I need it before I get to the dishes. The ULTIMATE would be if he just DID the dishes...then he wouldn't have to stack them anywhere, am I right?
Very true, Sandy! But since I do most of the dishes, I feel like my preferences should be given more weight than his -- amiright? Thanks for reading and commenting!
DeleteExcellent post! After 15 years of marriage, I agree with you on every point. I love your humorous view. Marriage is definitely hard work and compromise has been the key to mine. He allows me to have a few more pets than he feels are necessary and I try not to have a heart attack when he unloads new pigs off the trailer. :-)
ReplyDeleteThat's how we are with horses and dogs - eventually Hyatt will start bringing home pigs but until then I"m going to keep acquiring ponies and puppies. Congrats on 15 years - what an accomplishment!
DeleteTouche, Sandy. Dishes that did themselves would be the bees knees! :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! We will be celebrating 25 years this spring...and it is hasn't been easy! But it is definitely worth the work! The quizzes kind of freak me out, because they often say Duane and I are not compatible....well, 25 years says we are! Thanks for this wonderful commentary on marriage and you are right that keeping God in the relationship helps a lot!! (Dishes are the least of my worries here!)
ReplyDeleteTwenty-five years seems like a lifetime away at this point but I hope that Hyatt and I are as happy as you and Duane (hope I spelled his name right!) are and have a huge family :) Thanks for the kind words!
DeleteThank you so much, I needed this!
ReplyDeleteVery welcome - share with your friends! I love spreading the truth!
DeleteGreat post, Buzzard! It's really nice to see other young couples with similar views on marriage. Have you ever read "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller? Our priest had us read it together as part of our marriage preparation classes, and it contains a lot of good advice as well as though/conversation provoking material. I think every married/engaged couple read it together. It is a good reminder of how God intended marriage to be, and how we can live out those expectations now. Great read!
ReplyDeleteNo, I hadn't read that book Angela. We read 'Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" and "The 5 Love Languages" - I am going to the city soon and will have to look up that book you mentioned. Thanks for reading and share with your friends - I love spreading the truth :)
DeleteTotally Accurate! But I have to say. The sink is not the place for dirty dishes. The sink is wear dirty dishes become clean. But if N stacks them all in there then I have to take them all back out to wash them. (I prefer to wash dishes by hand) This doesn't even touch on the smelly stale water that can get caught up in the sink with all those nasty dishes!
ReplyDeleteThis is the most contentious point of this blog post - and I guess that's ok. To each their own but since I do the dishes, I choose the process! I do a lot of handwashing as well but with a double sink, i can put dirty in one side and run the water into the other. To-may-to to-mah-to :) Thanks for reading!
DeleteThank you for the breathe of fresh air! I'm tired of reading all of the articles that are circulating social media! I've thought about writing a post similar to this for about a month now!
ReplyDeleteMy grandma always tells me the same story, my grandpa asked her to marry him 3 times and she said no the first two. She always told me that she wasn't "madly in love, like the movies" with him the day they got married, and maybe he didn't have every characteristic of her "handsome dream man" but she said she could tell without a doubt that he was a good man, who loved God and loved her. In September, they will be celebrating 60 years side by side.
In that 60 years, they've buried two of their seven children and I can say that today, she's madly in love with the man "just like in the movies". She said he's never strayed, he's always taken care of her and let her be herself. She's never tried to stop him for doing anything he loves and they make it work. I've always loved two things about them, they never "air their dirty laundry" to the public and they never have argued in front of their kids or grandkids, even when times were hard.
They were married within 3 months. I believe that you can "rush" into a marriage if you understand that it's not something you can just back right out of, it takes work. If you are not happy with them before the wedding, chances are you won't be after your expensive wedding. I believe that a huge factor in successful marriages is not being lazy. It won't always be dream, I think too many people think getting married will "fix things", there are two things that won't fix a relationship - getting married and having kids.
I'm done ranting. I loved this post, Buzzard! I will keep collecting dogs and ponies, too!
What a sweet story, Sadie. So inspiring and really opens your eyes that marriages can last that long but they aren't perfect and they take A LOT of work. Thanks for sharing that with me and also for reading :)
DeleteBrandi, thank you for stepping out on this issue and sharing your personal experience and insight. Keep sharing and writing! God at the center of your marriage is difficult and while many may talk about it, living it is what makes all the difference. I remember at a wedding shower of mine having a longtime friend talk to me about the importance of a praying wife and also praying with your husband. I didn't understand what she really meant then. But I do now. Thanks for highlighting real marriage and the need for prayer!
ReplyDeleteKatie - thanks so much for your kind words! I'm getting better at praying for my husband (some days I pray he doesn't pester me :) ) -- you're right it's a constant struggle and journey that we walk. Glad to have some like-minded women out there in rural America!
DeleteLove this! We're on year four, and while I like to think we are much more mature than we were when we started, something very much never change. Like socks on the floor RIGHT IN FRONT of the basket. Seriously? But honestly it just makes me laugh... most of the time. :)
ReplyDeleteAgree - we have to laugh in order to not get caught up in the small stuff. I am positive that I am more mature and better at marriage than I was 3 years ago but I know I have a lot growing left to do! Thanks for sharing and commenting :)
DeleteWell i can honestly say that Ninja got that from me cause I guess that's what i do with the dishes. Sooo that means that the apple does not fall far from the tree. Really look at your potential mate's parents and everything about them....then accept that your mate genetically will act similarly. THEN be willing to not do everything like your parents did or do...especially the faulty actions. It is hard to change though. Communication that is not hurtful is a huge deal.
ReplyDelete