Making the Choice

Today I've been married to the Yak Judge for five years. A half decade that seems to have flown by more quickly than I ever could have imagined. 

 

And every day for the past five years, I have made a conscious choice: I can either choose to love, respect, work with and conquer the world with this man OR I can find nit-picky things to fuss about, dwell on setbacks and be a crappy wife. I hope that if asked, the Ninja/Yak Judge would say. "She chooses the former [most of the time.]"

 

I'd like to think that both of us have come a long way from the young, naïve kids we were so many years ago. I know that we've learned a helluva lot through trials, failures, successes, new jobs, moving, loss and everyday life.

“I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you”
Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars

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Four Years of Fighting

Thrilled to be on this journey of a lifetime with the Ninja.
Photo courtesy: LaBrisa Photography

Two [trailer] houses. A totaled car. Burst pipes. Two weddings. Four Ohio State fairs. Two Masters of Science degrees. A shattered crockpot filled with gravy. Zero babies. Most of a PhD in Animal Science.

Believe it or not, we have shoved all of those amazing experiences into 1,460 wedded-days full of celebrating, accepting, loving, fighting, laughing, compromising, competing, stressing, [blatant] honesty and joy. Today, I reflect on one of the most important items in that list: fighting.

Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Marriage is one long conversation chequered by disputes."

Accurate, Mr. Stevenson.

It's truth time, peeps. Here are the many ways we fight in marriage.

- With each other

This is the obvious one. For those of you who aren't married, take it from me. The arguments don't stop once you say 'I do.' Little things like taking out the garbage can, under the wrong circumstances, yield just as big of an argument as the decision as when to buy a house. God made us all differently, which means that we all have varying opinions and when thrown into a small space with another human, we inevitably will have disagreements. But how you handle these disagreements will be the true test of your relationship. Can you learn to compromise and move on together? Or will you fail to learn from past experiences and let resentment fester? The choice is, as cliché as it sounds, up to you.

Let's not forget, that arguments are a form of communication. And if you aren't communicating, it's going to be hard to plan your life, make decisions, move forward and grow. So it's ok to get in a heated discussion about when the next chapter of your life will start or how many candles you need in your house or what brand of salsa to buy. But let's just try to keep it civil, people. Above the belt and no snarky comments that can seriously cause damage to your relationship. That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones" shtick is a crock of Crisco. Words can, and do, hurt - so be nice and play fair.

- With ourselves.

You might wonder how I fight with myself in my marriage. And, building upon that, how does winning a fight against myself help my marriage?

I'm a competitive person and I like to have the last word. I especially love to have the last word when I'm right and someone else is wrong. All of these compounded together can make me an especially unpleasant person in the heat of an argument. It's a constant struggle for me to beat back my snarky side when I desire to make a point, and instead let the sweeter voice of reason win, hence allowing peace to come to our humble little trailer.

By fighting with my inner demon, and winning, I am making a conscious effort to be the best version of myself that I can be for the sake of my marriage and my personal wellbeing.

- For each other.

This is the most important fight you will have in your marriage. No I am not talking about throwing punches in honor of your betrothed - although I would not hesitate to do so if provoked. I am talking about a spiritual and emotional fight for each other.

There is a huge enemy to your marriage and his name is Satan. The enemy will fight to plant doubts and fears in your marriage. The enemy will make you think that one disagreement is a sign to end your commitment. The enemy will tempt you and your spouse with other men and women, with ideas of "bigger and better." Ignore that bastard, link arms with your spouse, get down on your knees and work together towards a strong marriage that is rooted in faith and prayer. If you don't fight for each other and put each other first, no one is going to do it for you. It's up to you and your partner to find strength in your faith and make the commitment to work through the crappy days and relish the exciting ones.

As I've mentioned before, marriage is far from easy. It's the most challenging, yet most rewarding, endeavor I've ever undertaken and is equally as frightening as it is enthralling. A loving, gratifying marriage is worth fighting for but both people have to be engaged in the fight. I am a firm believer that a few bad fights are the fee you pay for the most exhilarating experience of your life. Suck it up folks, make some sacrifices in order for a lifetime of happiness with the one you love.

Alright, here's where you come in - do you think I'm completely off-base? What are your thoughts on marriage and making it last?

Until next time
~ Buzzard ~

p.s. I want to stress the "zero babies" part of this blog post. The eggo is not preggo. That is all.

The Ninja did not contribute to this blog post but he did review and edit so anything embarrassing has been approved.

Why My Husband is NOT My Best Friend

This is why we can't be friends.

Disclaimer: Before you read on, please keep in mind that my husband, marriage, friends, family, circumstances and life are all different than yours.  Also, I've been married 3.5 years - those of you who have been married 5, 10 ,15 years or more will probably have a different opinion. So, your spouse/significant other might really be your best friend. I'm just sharing my opinion because, honestly, it's my blog. Thanks for reading and laughing along!

You've seen it in your Facebook newsfeed - a young lady's wedding day is rapidly approaching and she's excited to be showered with attention [that was a downside for me, actually], marrying the one her soul has chosen and generally just having a huge party. So, she continues to declare "I can't wait to marry my best friend!" to all her followers.

No offense to anyone who calls their significant other their best friend but I don't now, nor have I ever, referred to the Ninja as my best friend (If you have proof otherwise, please produce it because it has slipped my mind). I just don't think it's realistic. My opinion may change once I've been married for more than 20 years, but right now I just don't use "best friend forever" to describe the Ninja.

Why have I never called him my best friend? Well, that's easy - he isn't.

Yes - he's insanely smart, [bitter]sweet, supportive and caring. Yes - he listens to me gripe about [insert occasional life-frustration], keeps me grounded, walks with me in Christ and buys dinner most of the time. But that doesn't make him my best friend. Allow me to explain...

My best friends knows stuff about me that the Ninja NEVER will [ladies, zip those lips]. There are just some things I am not ever going to feel comfortable talking to my husband about and there are other things that I just don't think are any of his business. Call me crazy if you must but romance and marriage strife, body image/issues and past relationships/ex-boyfriends are just not great date night conversation topics in my humble opinion.

Communication is just one aspect of a relationship. Another important component is behavior and sometimes my husband's behavior makes me want to, quite honestly, hit him in the groin with a baseball bat. Sometimes, I don't really like him even though I love him more than words can say. Truth. Examples of said behavior:

• After ultrasounding sows all day at the hog farm he comes home, shoves his hand in my face and asks if his hand "smells piggy." Yes, it's been up a pig's butt for eight hours.
• On more than one occasion, he has vaporized on me
• He mispronounces Buzzard on purpose
• He drank my last Dr. Pepper - multiple times

My best friends would never do this - especially that Dr. Pepper one. In the words of Bon Qui Qui "I will cut you."

Lastly, I have built stronger-than-steel bonds with several of these women and ALL of them have been in my life before my husband. He's basically playing catch up. Some of the experiences we've had have formed a lifelong bonds and unfortunately very few of them can be listed on this blog but some safe ones are:

 

• Innumerable rodeo road trips
• Jesus holding some cheese
• A spring break trip to Europe with lifelong lady friends

 

• 21st and 23rd birthday parties in Manhattan, Alva and Durant
• Claremore/Hinton rodeo weekend in 200?
• San Antonio 2010
• NWSS 2010
• Cinco de Drinko Mayo
• And even a bunch of memories from middle and high school

It is for all these reasons that the Ninja can never be my best friend. Don't mistake that for not being a friend, period. Of course he's my friend and he will be by my side until the day I die but it takes more than a ring to make someone a best friend.

OK - I'm prepared for your thoughts and criticisms. Those of you who have been married for longer than the Ninja and I have been, did you feel the same way I did at this point? Am I the only woman who is not best friends with her husband? Again, mad props to you if he is your bff in addition to being your soul mate but such is not the story at the Frobuzz Ranchero.

I leave you with a quote that describes the Ninja and I pretty well.

"You're an ass. You can never make up your mind. You always mock me. I never seem to like you. But all at the same time, I am completely & madly in love with you."

Until next time,
~ Buzzard ~

Six Spectacular Reasons to Ignore All Those Stupid “Six Reasons He’s the One for You!” Articles

Three years in the book and I didn't need a Yahoo! article to tell me he was the one

This strays from my regular content, so I apologize to my consistent readers (all five of you). Since our anniversary was yesterday, I've been thinking and praying a lot about marriage and I really can’t keep this in anymore. I don’t know if it’s just my Facebook feed or if it’s a social media pandemic but it seems that a new “Six Reasons He’s the One”-type article pops every day. I take issue with this.

Basing your definition of a successful relationship off a Buzzfeed article may be entertaining but ask the 50% of married couples who end up divorced how entertaining it was that their match enjoyed "telling each other things you've never told anyone else.” Yeah, I bet he really enjoyed hearing about your defaulted loans, that pregnancy scare with an old boyfriend and how you chew up your cat’s food before each feeding. You just gave him the ammo to embarrass you on a whole new level.

So below I break down and provide some truth, in my opinon, to a few ridiculous reasons you should permanently hitch your wagon to someone else for eternity (folks, marriage is for life).

• You laugh together: Seriously – do I need to explain why this isn’t an indicator of your soul mate? People who I’ve laughed with: my beef science professor, my doctor, my mailman – my point? Laughing with someone doesn’t mean they automatically become marriage material – your soul mate might be somber while you’re hysterical. Think, people.
• You’re extremely attracted to him/her: Please see above. Don’t let attraction overshadow compatibility. When you’re both 75, wrinkly and saggy, you’ll be thankful for a smart, intelligent partner that you can converse with daily.
• You respect him/her: Shouldn’t you respect pretty much everyone? If so, that doesn’t really set your potential life-partner apart from everyone else.
• You can imagine a future together: This is one is way too often overused as a reason to marry someone. I imagined a future with a few fellas before I met the Ninja and thank God imaginary is as far as it ever got. They were good guys but building a life is different than imagining one.
• Your intuition tells you he’s the right one: Did your intuition tell you that getting a rainbow unicorn tattoo on your neck was a good idea, too? Sometimes our intuition is off - stick to concrete evidence.
• You don’t have to try to impress him/her – You may love sitting on the couch eating Chinese and watching NCIS, but maybe he is only sitting next to you to please you. Will he suffer through that for 50+ years to keep you happy? Or is it more likely that he'll eventually quit because honestly, there are better things to watch and eat than NCIS and Chinese takeout?

I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. Every marriage and relationship is different, so expecting some article to define perfection (or the illusion of perfection) is asinine. Ready for some real advice?

• Pray, pray, pray – God has a plan for you and hopefully you’re listening to Him.
• Use your head – I feel like this should be common sense but apparently that isn’t too common.
• Don’t rush into marriage – maybe getting engaged after 6 weeks isn’t such a good idea.
• Pay heed to red flags – does he refuse to clean up after himself? Does that infuriate you to the point of a screaming match? Guess what honey, he’s not going to change those habits. If you don’t like picking up paper plates now, you’re really going to hate it in 40 years. From personal experience: I’m still trying to get the Ninja to stop putting dishes on the counter instead of in the sink (because the sink is clearly where you put dirty dishes) and I’ve made no headway in five+ years. It’s not infuriating but it’s annoying and it likely won’t have changed 47 years from now.
• Pray some more - seriously.

Some of those articles have decent advice but the vast majority (that I’ve seen) trigger an eye roll. I’m not a relationship expert but I don’t think you have to be in order to make your own relationship decisions without the use of a Redbook quiz or a Yahoo! shine article.

Really want to know if someone is right for you and your marriage will last? Well, so does everyone else. There’s no 100% guarantee that it will work out. Marriage is a risk but if you commit to it completely and put your whole heart and soul into your marriage and keep your faith in the middle, it will be one of the most rewarding journeys you ever partake in, although it’s also one of the most difficult.

Yes, you read that right. Marriage is hard, in addition to being risky. Sure, the wedding planning and the big day are fantastic and the honeymoon will provide you a lifetime of amazing memories but when you get home that “what now” feeling will wash over you. The first year you live with someone is MISERY (in the words of my good friend, Kylee). Weekends can make or break you! In college, when you had roomies, there was always something going on but now you’re married. What are you going to do when you have no weekend plans? Are you going to complain and whine about it and let boredom breed contempt for your partner? Or are you going to go outside and unload hay, play with the dogs, ride the horses, fix the fence etc etc. Really want to bond with your partner? Clean a bathroom together after the pipes have frozen and waste water has backed up into the tub. Team work makes the dream work, people.

My point is, when you’ve got no big event to plan and it’s just you and him and your daily activities and conversations, you discover amazing things about each other and grow deeper and deeper in love. Brad Paisley sums it up very well.

What do you think? Am I off-base? Does anyone agree with me? Comment below – shout out!

Until next time,

~ Buzzard ~

p.s. And on a semi-related note – I can’t even address some of the stupid that is flowing from this article. DON’T GET MARRIED BECAUSE TWO PAYCHECKS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.