Four Years of Fighting

Thrilled to be on this journey of a lifetime with the Ninja.
Photo courtesy: LaBrisa Photography

Two [trailer] houses. A totaled car. Burst pipes. Two weddings. Four Ohio State fairs. Two Masters of Science degrees. A shattered crockpot filled with gravy. Zero babies. Most of a PhD in Animal Science.

Believe it or not, we have shoved all of those amazing experiences into 1,460 wedded-days full of celebrating, accepting, loving, fighting, laughing, compromising, competing, stressing, [blatant] honesty and joy. Today, I reflect on one of the most important items in that list: fighting.

Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Marriage is one long conversation chequered by disputes."

Accurate, Mr. Stevenson.

It's truth time, peeps. Here are the many ways we fight in marriage.

- With each other

This is the obvious one. For those of you who aren't married, take it from me. The arguments don't stop once you say 'I do.' Little things like taking out the garbage can, under the wrong circumstances, yield just as big of an argument as the decision as when to buy a house. God made us all differently, which means that we all have varying opinions and when thrown into a small space with another human, we inevitably will have disagreements. But how you handle these disagreements will be the true test of your relationship. Can you learn to compromise and move on together? Or will you fail to learn from past experiences and let resentment fester? The choice is, as cliché as it sounds, up to you.

Let's not forget, that arguments are a form of communication. And if you aren't communicating, it's going to be hard to plan your life, make decisions, move forward and grow. So it's ok to get in a heated discussion about when the next chapter of your life will start or how many candles you need in your house or what brand of salsa to buy. But let's just try to keep it civil, people. Above the belt and no snarky comments that can seriously cause damage to your relationship. That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones" shtick is a crock of Crisco. Words can, and do, hurt - so be nice and play fair.

- With ourselves.

You might wonder how I fight with myself in my marriage. And, building upon that, how does winning a fight against myself help my marriage?

I'm a competitive person and I like to have the last word. I especially love to have the last word when I'm right and someone else is wrong. All of these compounded together can make me an especially unpleasant person in the heat of an argument. It's a constant struggle for me to beat back my snarky side when I desire to make a point, and instead let the sweeter voice of reason win, hence allowing peace to come to our humble little trailer.

By fighting with my inner demon, and winning, I am making a conscious effort to be the best version of myself that I can be for the sake of my marriage and my personal wellbeing.

- For each other.

This is the most important fight you will have in your marriage. No I am not talking about throwing punches in honor of your betrothed - although I would not hesitate to do so if provoked. I am talking about a spiritual and emotional fight for each other.

There is a huge enemy to your marriage and his name is Satan. The enemy will fight to plant doubts and fears in your marriage. The enemy will make you think that one disagreement is a sign to end your commitment. The enemy will tempt you and your spouse with other men and women, with ideas of "bigger and better." Ignore that bastard, link arms with your spouse, get down on your knees and work together towards a strong marriage that is rooted in faith and prayer. If you don't fight for each other and put each other first, no one is going to do it for you. It's up to you and your partner to find strength in your faith and make the commitment to work through the crappy days and relish the exciting ones.

As I've mentioned before, marriage is far from easy. It's the most challenging, yet most rewarding, endeavor I've ever undertaken and is equally as frightening as it is enthralling. A loving, gratifying marriage is worth fighting for but both people have to be engaged in the fight. I am a firm believer that a few bad fights are the fee you pay for the most exhilarating experience of your life. Suck it up folks, make some sacrifices in order for a lifetime of happiness with the one you love.

Alright, here's where you come in - do you think I'm completely off-base? What are your thoughts on marriage and making it last?

Until next time
~ Buzzard ~

p.s. I want to stress the "zero babies" part of this blog post. The eggo is not preggo. That is all.

The Ninja did not contribute to this blog post but he did review and edit so anything embarrassing has been approved.

Six Spectacular Reasons to Ignore All Those Stupid “Six Reasons He’s the One for You!” Articles

Three years in the book and I didn't need a Yahoo! article to tell me he was the one

This strays from my regular content, so I apologize to my consistent readers (all five of you). Since our anniversary was yesterday, I've been thinking and praying a lot about marriage and I really can’t keep this in anymore. I don’t know if it’s just my Facebook feed or if it’s a social media pandemic but it seems that a new “Six Reasons He’s the One”-type article pops every day. I take issue with this.

Basing your definition of a successful relationship off a Buzzfeed article may be entertaining but ask the 50% of married couples who end up divorced how entertaining it was that their match enjoyed "telling each other things you've never told anyone else.” Yeah, I bet he really enjoyed hearing about your defaulted loans, that pregnancy scare with an old boyfriend and how you chew up your cat’s food before each feeding. You just gave him the ammo to embarrass you on a whole new level.

So below I break down and provide some truth, in my opinon, to a few ridiculous reasons you should permanently hitch your wagon to someone else for eternity (folks, marriage is for life).

• You laugh together: Seriously – do I need to explain why this isn’t an indicator of your soul mate? People who I’ve laughed with: my beef science professor, my doctor, my mailman – my point? Laughing with someone doesn’t mean they automatically become marriage material – your soul mate might be somber while you’re hysterical. Think, people.
• You’re extremely attracted to him/her: Please see above. Don’t let attraction overshadow compatibility. When you’re both 75, wrinkly and saggy, you’ll be thankful for a smart, intelligent partner that you can converse with daily.
• You respect him/her: Shouldn’t you respect pretty much everyone? If so, that doesn’t really set your potential life-partner apart from everyone else.
• You can imagine a future together: This is one is way too often overused as a reason to marry someone. I imagined a future with a few fellas before I met the Ninja and thank God imaginary is as far as it ever got. They were good guys but building a life is different than imagining one.
• Your intuition tells you he’s the right one: Did your intuition tell you that getting a rainbow unicorn tattoo on your neck was a good idea, too? Sometimes our intuition is off - stick to concrete evidence.
• You don’t have to try to impress him/her – You may love sitting on the couch eating Chinese and watching NCIS, but maybe he is only sitting next to you to please you. Will he suffer through that for 50+ years to keep you happy? Or is it more likely that he'll eventually quit because honestly, there are better things to watch and eat than NCIS and Chinese takeout?

I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. Every marriage and relationship is different, so expecting some article to define perfection (or the illusion of perfection) is asinine. Ready for some real advice?

• Pray, pray, pray – God has a plan for you and hopefully you’re listening to Him.
• Use your head – I feel like this should be common sense but apparently that isn’t too common.
• Don’t rush into marriage – maybe getting engaged after 6 weeks isn’t such a good idea.
• Pay heed to red flags – does he refuse to clean up after himself? Does that infuriate you to the point of a screaming match? Guess what honey, he’s not going to change those habits. If you don’t like picking up paper plates now, you’re really going to hate it in 40 years. From personal experience: I’m still trying to get the Ninja to stop putting dishes on the counter instead of in the sink (because the sink is clearly where you put dirty dishes) and I’ve made no headway in five+ years. It’s not infuriating but it’s annoying and it likely won’t have changed 47 years from now.
• Pray some more - seriously.

Some of those articles have decent advice but the vast majority (that I’ve seen) trigger an eye roll. I’m not a relationship expert but I don’t think you have to be in order to make your own relationship decisions without the use of a Redbook quiz or a Yahoo! shine article.

Really want to know if someone is right for you and your marriage will last? Well, so does everyone else. There’s no 100% guarantee that it will work out. Marriage is a risk but if you commit to it completely and put your whole heart and soul into your marriage and keep your faith in the middle, it will be one of the most rewarding journeys you ever partake in, although it’s also one of the most difficult.

Yes, you read that right. Marriage is hard, in addition to being risky. Sure, the wedding planning and the big day are fantastic and the honeymoon will provide you a lifetime of amazing memories but when you get home that “what now” feeling will wash over you. The first year you live with someone is MISERY (in the words of my good friend, Kylee). Weekends can make or break you! In college, when you had roomies, there was always something going on but now you’re married. What are you going to do when you have no weekend plans? Are you going to complain and whine about it and let boredom breed contempt for your partner? Or are you going to go outside and unload hay, play with the dogs, ride the horses, fix the fence etc etc. Really want to bond with your partner? Clean a bathroom together after the pipes have frozen and waste water has backed up into the tub. Team work makes the dream work, people.

My point is, when you’ve got no big event to plan and it’s just you and him and your daily activities and conversations, you discover amazing things about each other and grow deeper and deeper in love. Brad Paisley sums it up very well.

What do you think? Am I off-base? Does anyone agree with me? Comment below – shout out!

Until next time,

~ Buzzard ~

p.s. And on a semi-related note – I can’t even address some of the stupid that is flowing from this article. DON’T GET MARRIED BECAUSE TWO PAYCHECKS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.